


The High Priestess is a Bad Mother

by LuluCalliope



Category: Samurai Jack (Cartoon)
Genre: Alternate Timelines, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Crack, Crack Relationships, F/M, I'm Bad At Tagging, I'm Going to Hell, I'm Sorry, What Have I Done
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-25
Updated: 2017-04-24
Packaged: 2018-10-23 18:15:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,140
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10724592
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LuluCalliope/pseuds/LuluCalliope
Summary: This is a series of scenarios involving the High Priestess, the true antagonist of season five of Samurai Jack. Each chapter is a new scenario involving her, each scenario is set in an alternate universe, none of the scenarios are connected to each other.





	The High Priestess is a Bad Mother

Much like Zbornaks only have to use the bathroom every five months and Vulcans have to mate every seven years, the embodiment of all evil, Aku, must have sex at least once during a period of fifty years. Given that Aku is as old as time itself, this means he’s had sex a lot. Most of the time, it’s been harmless (albeit violent and kinky) one-night stands. However, there was one fling that he would come to regret…

* * *

It all started one night on the same year that Aku stopped paying close attention to Jack. Aku was feeling...what people call “horny”. It was time for him to do what they called “the sex”. He decided to take on a form appropriate for mingling with the mortals: that of a humanoid, green-skinned, black-haired young man. He arrived at the local city when the night was still young and entered one of the many nightclubs. It was packed with young people...finding a one-night stand wouldn’t be a problem for him at all.

“If I could rearrange the alphabet I’d put ‘U’ and ‘I’ together,” he said to the first girl who caught his eye, a pretty ginger in a pink kimono.

She wrinkled her nose. “Good thing the letters ‘N’ and ‘O’ are already together, then.” She finished her drink and left the bar. Aku took a deep, steadying breath. _One night with no killing or revealing any demonic powers, one night with no killing or revealing any demonic powers…damn, this is harder than I thought..._

“Wow, where’d you get that shirt?” Aku turned his attention to a petite female who had appeared next to him. He couldn’t see her face; she was wearing a white mask. Aku glanced down at his shirt. It had a graphic of his true form and the words “Aku is Love, Aku is Life” on it.

“Um…”

The female giggled. “I just adore Aku! He’s so powerful and all-knowing and…” She sighed. “So amazing...I’d give anything for the chance to meet him!”

Aku smirked. This was the opportunity he had been waiting for. “Well, I happen to be one of his assassins.”

“Shut UP!” The girl gasped. “You KNOW him?!” She cleared her throat and her excitement turned to seduction. “Do you...wanna go somewhere else and talk about him some more? I’ll let you into my pit of hate, if you know what I’m saying.”

...okay, so she was a little freaky, but Aku didn’t care, he had to stop beating around the bush and focus on hers! They had a few...hundred...a few hundred drinks. The details were kind of fuzzy to Aku afterwards, but he supposed that he took her back to his abode, revealed his true form to her, and engaged in “the sex” with her. But the next morning would haunt him for the rest of his life…

* * *

...because he woke up in bed, saw a But-Her-Face lying next to him, and panicked. _Oh, no, what did I do last night? I did...did I do HER?! What was I thinking? Okay, don’t panic...just throw her out before she wakes up…_

But she was already awake and staring at him. “Oh, Aku...that was amazing…” She sighed. Aku forced a smile on his face and nodded, unable to speak. _She looked better with the mask on just leave just leave please leave fuck fuck fuck please leave just go don’t stay please leave…_ “So, I was thinking that today you could meet my parents,” she continued. “Oh, this is so exciting! Next we’ll be married and raise a family together and…”

“...why don’t you give me your number and I’ll call you later so we can discuss it?” He offered.

“I’ll give you my card,” But-Her-Face said with a wink. She crawled out of bed (dat ass was extra thicc), reached into the pocket of her discarded skirt, and threw a thin piece of paper at him before she dressed. Aku read it:

_Akira: President of the Aku Fan Club, Leader of the Cult of Aku, Future Supreme Queen Dictator-Empress, All-Powerful Co-Ruler of Aku’s Empire, Aku’s Waifu_

Aku had one of his robot minions escort the crazy lady out, and when she was gone, he breathed a sigh of relief. “Next time, I don’t choose the person wearing the mask,” he said to himself. “And not a crazy one.” He ripped up the card with a smile. “At least it’s over now and I’ll never have to deal with her again.”

But then...the calls began...

* * *

“Hey, Aku, it’s Akira, I had an amazing time the other night! You’re probably wondering where I got this number, right? I kind of hacked into the memory circuits of your robot servant and found it. But that’s not important! I was wondering if you wanted to go out for drinks later? Call me!”

“Hey, Aku, it’s me again! I didn’t know if you got my last message, so I thought I’d call you again? Anyway, I hope to hear from you soon!”

“Um, hey, it’s me again. This is kind of weird, but when I tried calling you, it said the number was blocked, so I’m using my sister’s phone to call you. It’s such a weird misunderstanding, right? RIGHT?!”

Eventually, Aku stopped answering the phone and changed the number. The last call he received from the crazy lady would forever remain in the back of his mind:

“This isn’t over yet, Aku. You think you can avoid me? You think I’m not good enough for you? I’M PREGNANT WITH YOUR BABIES!” Aku gasped and dropped the phone. “But don’t worry,” Akira’s voice continued. “I am going to be the best mother ever. I’m going to raise your children to kill the one you hate the most...and then you’ll come back to me. You’ll come back to me...and I won’t ever let you go…” Akira began to giggle innocently, but her laughs gradually became more maniacal. Aku hung up the phone, sat on his bed, and buried his face in his hands.

“What have I done? Desperate bitch…”

“Oh, Glorious Shogun of Sorrow, Lord Dominator is on the other line!” One his followers called down. Aku sighed and picked up the phone again.

“Hey, Aku, long time no see,” a seductive voice purred.

“Not now, Dominator, I’m not in the mood,” he grumbled in response.

“HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! You’re not in the mood for ME? Oh, that’s hilarious! Oh, oh my Grop, I can’t…” The laughing continued for several minutes, but then it ceased. “Wait, you were serious?! But I have so many cool things to tell you about the worlds I’ve destroyed! And I even have some new outfits and...well, if you’re not interested…”

Aku stiffened. “Wear the Frostonium bra I like.”

“You got it, baby.”


End file.
